Healing

This is part IV of my story on birth and mothering. I journaled this on June 25, 2012, at 39 weeks pregnant with our second baby.

I want control of this situation.

No words I could speak or write would convince you of the importance of this matter to me.

I WANT a healing birth.

I have spent the last year preparing for this experience, now a matter of days or even hours away.

I have dug deep, I have searched and researched implemented and prepared.

I have worried and lost sleep and stressed.

Now I feel one thing, because I have come to the realization that I am not the one in control.

I am scared.

I am not in control.

Is there something more I should do?

Have I missed some preparation?

What will happen?

How will I respond?

I am scared.

Who is in control?

I feel anxiety growing stronger.

Where do I turn.

Oh, Lord, YOU are in control.

You are in control.

I am sorry for holding onto this for so long.

Tears fill my eyes as I surrender.

Take this from me, Lord.

It is too much for me.

But in Your hands, it is a tiny matter.

"No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know
Could keep us from your love...

How high, how wide
No matter where I am
Healing is in Your hands
How deep, how strong
Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands."